


it's where my demons hide

by SilverMoonSky



Series: ML Oneshots [79]
Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, F/M, Gabriel Agreste | Papillon | Hawk Moth Wins, Peacock Marinette Dupain-Cheng, Peacock Miraculous, Post-Reveal Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir/Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug, Sentimonster Adrien Agreste, Unhappy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-05
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-18 15:56:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29860512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilverMoonSky/pseuds/SilverMoonSky
Summary: Marinette’s done crying about it. It’s been several weeks since this alternate reality was created and she has spent every second of it living in agony. The time she’s lost has taught her that mourning isn’t going to get her anywhere; if she wants Adrien back, if she wants to go back tohernormal, she has to act on it.She knows this won’t be the same. She knows there are consequences.But thewant,theneedthat’s starting to drive her, is far more powerful than anything else she could tell herself.---How far will Marinette go to get what she wants?
Relationships: Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir/Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug
Series: ML Oneshots [79]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1643566
Comments: 38
Kudos: 54





	it's where my demons hide

**Author's Note:**

> So, one day on the [Miraculous Fanworks Discord Server](https://discord.gg/mlfanworks), we were talking about "angstoffs". This fic was written for an informal angstoff, where I competed with [River](https://archiveofourown.org/users/theriveroflight/pseuds/theriveroflight) to see who could write the angstiest fic. Our prompt was "fallen stars", which was given to us by [Elli](https://archiveofourown.org/users/EnigmaticEllipsis/pseuds/EnigmaticEllipsis). This fic is the final result of that challenge!
> 
> As of writing this note I have not read River's fic, but I've heard it is [angsty Ladrien](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29840226) if you want to check it out :D
> 
> May the angstiest fic win!

Tikki would be disappointed in her.

The thought crosses Marinette’s mind when she slips into the warehouse, clutching a familiar brooch as she makes her way to the middle of the large room. Moonlight filters dimly through small windows at the top; it gives her just enough light to see her surroundings. Although she’s a bit worried about being discovered here, she’s confident no one will. The warehouse lies on the outskirts of Paris. She made sure it was a secluded place before she came here. 

Marinette stops in the center of the room and unclenches her hands.

_But Tikki’s no longer with you._

She attaches the brooch to her shirt. A flash of dark blue instantly emerges, zipping around her before stopping centimeters away from her face.

“Hello, Marinette! Have you thought about my offer?”

Tikki’s no longer with her. The wish has been cast. The world has been reset to a time she doesn’t want to relive, not without…

“Are you sure this will work?”

Duusu nods. “The Peacock Miraculous can create human-like sentimonsters. It’ll be perfect! You can have him back, I’ll have a holder, and everything will be normal again!”

_Normal._

Normal is not a word she’d used to describe the current state of the world around her. But if this can help…

Marinette stares down at the brooch. “Aren’t there… consequences? Isn’t this Miraculous broken?”

Duusu stares at her as if she’s grown two heads. “Don’t you want him back?”

“Of course I want him back.”

His voice suddenly rises shrilly. “Then why are you hesitating? Don’t you _love_ him?”

“Of course I love him,” she snaps, feeling her patience run out. “Just tell me whether or not this’ll work.”

Marinette’s done crying about it. It’s been several weeks since this alternate reality was created and she has spent every second of it living in agony. The time she’s lost has taught her that mourning isn’t going to get her anywhere; if she wants Adrien back, if she wants to go back to _her_ normal, she has to act on it.

She knows this won’t be the same. She knows there are consequences.

But the _want,_ the _need_ that’s starting to drive her, is far more powerful than anything else she could tell herself.

“If you truly want him back,” Duusu says, holding her gaze evenly, “you would just try it instead of questioning it.”

His unspoken words tell her all she needs to know, but Marinette can no longer bring herself to care about the repercussions.

She needs _him_ more than anything.

Holding the kwami’s gaze, she says, “Duusu, spread my feathers.”

And she’ll do anything it takes to get Adrien back.

* * *

The days go by.

Marinette attends school. She does her homework. She designs when she can, though the hobby no longer brings her joy the way it used to. Every night after her parents have gone to bed, she transforms and heads towards the warehouse, thinking of only one person.

_Adrien._

Adrien, Adrien, _Adrien._

It’s always been Adrien, but not in the way it had before.

She lands in the warehouse and surveys her surroundings first and foremost, making sure no one is around before pulling out a green and pink charm bracelet. Marinette then pulls a feather from her fan. She curls it into her fist, letting the white seep into a dark blue before bringing the charm bracelet close. The amok dissolves into the bracelet.

Every night, when Marinette uses the Peacock Miraculous, she’s reminded of another time, with another suit, with another purpose, with another person standing by her side. The thoughts pain her each time it crosses her mind.

But at the same time, the memories are what drive her through these days.

_You can change your normal._

_You can get him back._

_You can fall in love with him all over again._

The world has been set back to a time right before the school year where she was supposed to meet Adrien. Right before she was supposed to get her Miraculous and begin fighting Hawk Moth. Right before she was supposed to meet Chat Noir.

Yet now, Marinette stands here. No Adrien, no Chat Noir, no supervillains to defeat.

But the most painful part of it all is that no one _knows._ No one _remembers._ Gabriel Agreste is the only other one who has memories of the world before this one, but it isn’t like he’s suddenly going to bond over the loss of his son with her.

No, Marinette thinks scathingly, he’s _heartless._ He’s not going to do that now he has his wife back and the Ladybug and Black Cat Miraculouses safe in his hands.

These bitter thoughts run her mind as she closes her eyes and begins to form the sentimonster in front of her.

She’s here for a reason.

_Green eyes._

She’s doing this for a purpose.

_Blond hair._

She needs this more than anything else.

_Tall, slender build._

And she’s sure others will thank her when she’s accomplished her mission, too.

_A warm, loving smile with a hint of mischief._

Marinette lets her memories guide her. Making the appearance of a sentimonster is always the easiest part; replicating someone’s complex inner personality, however, is much harder. She lets herself picture Adrien as best as she can.

She remembers when first he offered her his umbrella on the day they’d met. She recalls how hard he tried to fix the miscommunication between them, and since then, he’d always been nothing but kind.

_Someone who’s kind and caring._

As Chat Noir, he encouraged her. He always stayed by her side and wouldn’t hesitate to fight for her. But at the same time, he never let that get in the way of the others around him. He always showed affection to his loved ones.

_Someone who loves being the hero of Paris just as much as he loves the people around him._

And then there were the parts of him he showed only her and no one else. She can almost _feel_ the kisses he pressed against her cheeks and forehead and lips, the _I love yous_ spilling from his lips, the stolen moments they shared when they promised each other it was them against the world and no one else—

_Someone who loves you._

Marinette _feels_ the presence of the person in front her, and her heart begins to quicken. She blinks back the moisture that had started to gather in her eyes.

_Adrien._

Her eyes flutter open as she takes in her creation. Marinette can see _Adrien_ in front of her—the same blond hair with the same build, and yet the moment her eyes flicker up to meet his green ones…

_You failed again._

It’s not him.

It’s all _off._ It’s his hair and his build and his face, but the moment they lock gazes, the moment she takes it all in, she _knows._

This isn’t him.

The sentimonster simply stares at her unblinkingly with none of the emotions _her_ Adrien would have.

Every night she tries, the results are always the same.

Marinette takes a deep breath and instantly removes the amok before she inevitably loses control, purifying it. She fights back despair as the sentimonster disappears in front of her. The instant it vanishes, she falls to her knees, coughing as she clutches the brooch.

“Duusu, fall my feathers.”

An ounce of pain goes through her, but she can’t bring herself to care.

“You’re doing great, Marinette,” Duusu says, “and look! On the bright side, you’ve mastered his appearance.”

“That’s the easiest part,” she mutters, feeling fatigued.

Every night, it ends the same way. It hasn’t been long since she started trying, but she still hasn’t gotten as far as she would like. She knows she’s running out of time, too; the Peacock Miraculous is broken. From the bits and pieces she’s put together about Emilie Agreste, Marinette has come to realize it’s the reason Adrien’s mother ended up in that final state.

But she’ll keep trying.

Marinette can bring Adrien back before that happens. She _has_ too. The only thing she has left from the final battle is the Peacock Miraculous, and she wants nothing more than to love and care for him again, to finally fill the void in her heart. This _has_ to work.

And so, Marinette gives Duusu some food, transforms, and pulls out the charm bracelet once again.

* * *

It gets harder and harder to get up in the morning.

Marinette gets up, anyways. All of these nights out have been negatively impacting her performance in school; her parents are worried about her mental health, and Alya has more than once called her out for “pulling all those all-nighters.”

She _knows_ it’s the consequences of the Miraculous; she _knows_ it’ll only get worse.

But Marinette can’t bring herself to care. She’s getting closer. Every night, she manages to make a bit more progress, and for the first time since she got stuck in this alternate reality, this actually feels within reach.

_You can do it. You’ve got this._

She’s _close._ She isn’t about to give up now.

And so Marinette stands in the warehouse with the charm bracelet in her hand, creating an amok and infusing it into the object. She begins to make the sentimonster in front of her. It might be taking her ages to master this, but every time, the process gets the slightest bit faster.

It’s a bit surprising to her that this is so hard to master, especially since she was able to pick up on the abilities of the other Miraculouses quite easily. After thinking about it, Marinette has come to two conclusions: one, the Peacock Miraculous is still technically broken, which could be contributing to why it’s so hard. Another factor could be that she isn’t quite old enough to harness her full power yet. She _is_ trying to create a human-like sentimonster, after all. It shouldn’t be easy.

_You’re getting closer._

Marinette continues to keep her eyes closed and forms the sentimonster in front of her. Memories and thoughts circle through her head, allowing her to pull from her mind and incorporate them into the figure. She pours everything into making the sentimonster as realistic as she wants _him_ to be.

When she finally thinks she’s done, Marinette opens her eyes to see someone standing in front of her. Blond hair, a slender build, and when she looks into familiar green eyes…

“Hi,” the sentimonster says.

She can hardly breathe.

_Is this it?_ _  
_ Marinette watches him carefully. He seems close enough; when she gazes at him, she feels herself shiver at the similarities with the one she lost. His face, his lips, but most of all his _eyes,_ when she gazes at his eyes she can almost _feel_ all of the familiarity she once shared with someone else.

_Adrien._

She forgot how much she missed this.

Marinette clutches the charm bracelet in a fist and walks closer, stopping several centimeters in front of the sentimonster as she takes him in.

“Hi,” she whispers. “What’s your name?”

The sentimonster smiles, though not quite the way she’s used to.

“Adrien.”

Marinette reaches out to gently brush her fingers against his cheek in awe, as if she’s unsure whether this is reality. Her fingertips ghost over his nose, his lips, with memories of cuddling close and pressing kisses to each other’s foreheads flickering in her vision. She lets out a shaky sigh as she looks up at him.

_Adrien._

He doesn’t even flinch.

“And who am I?”

The sentimonster looks down at her. Their gazes meet, and Marinette’s breath catches in her throat. Time seems to stop as she stares at the familiarity, the intimacy and maybe this is _finally_ it—

“Marinette.”

But the moment shatters.

The way he says the name is jarring. Marinette flinches and steps back, her hand falling back to her side. Despite her own will, moisture begins to gather in her eyes.

_Marinette._

She looks away and removes the amok, allowing the sentimonster to disappear.

_Marinette._

Without laughs and smiles, without affection, without the tone he reserved for her and only her.

_Marinette._

The name fell flat.

It didn’t make her feel what she wanted to feel.

Her transformation runs out and she stumbles to the ground, the memories plaguing her.

_You have to try harder._

Marinette closes her eyes, letting out a dry cough as the tears start to run.

Each time, she gets closer.

But it’s never enough.

* * *

The sentimonster is always missing _something._

Marinette’s a perfectionist. She always has been; she always will be. It doesn’t matter if the sentimonster is perfect in every other form, but if she finds _one_ detail out of place… 

She starts over.

It’s why it’s taking so many tries. The months as she continues are filled with agony, both mentally and physically. Events happen in her life she can’t even imagine without Adrien by her side; meanwhile, she can feel herself slipping, needing more rest here and there when she’s not transformed.

But she’s close.

She’s so, _so_ close.

It doesn't matter that it’s getting harder to transform, that fatigue during the day gets more common and sleep feels heavier than it used to.

If Tikki was here, Marinette _knows_ she’d tell her to stop. She’d tell her this isn’t right, and that she’s only going to be hurting herself in the end. That’s what the logical part of her says, anyways.

But Marinette’s given up on logic.

The desperation becomes far greater each and every time she sees _him_ standing in front of her.

And so Marinette carries on, wondering if she’ll ever get the perfect form she desires.

(She knows she’s running out of time to continue trying.)

(But she can’t bring herself to care.)

* * *

She’s not sure if she’ll ever succeed.

It’s been so _long._ At this rate, Marinette questions if she’ll ever be able to form the perfect sentimonster. Days drag out as she wallows in her distress; her parents talk to her about potentially going to therapy after seeing her increasingly poor mental health.

But therapy isn’t going to fix anything.

She’s _getting_ there. She’s _so_ close.

_That’s what you’ve been telling yourself for weeks._

It’s not enough, it’s _never_ enough, but she isn’t going to stop now. She _can’t_ stop, she _can’t_ leave this hope behind. She has to finish what she started. She has to get him back. She _needs_ him.

She can’t live here without him any longer.

And so Marinette stands in the warehouse, willing to try again as she transforms. She ignores the coughs wreaking her body; she ignores how all her legs want to do is crumble beneath her weight as she pulls out an amok and infuses it into the charm bracelet.

_Adrien._

She closes her eyes and runs through her normal routine. The memories, the thoughts, the emotions—she pours all of them into her creation faster than she’s done before, letting the sentimonster in front of her mold into exactly what she wants.

_You’re running out of time._

Marinette coughs and slumps against a wall, feeling her head spin.

But she _needs_ that perfection. She knows Adrien better than anyone else; if anyone can form him perfectly, it’s her. It doesn’t matter if she’s running out of time, it won’t happen, because she’s _seen_ what she can do and she’s _so_ close and if she truly wants him back—

_You’ll do whatever it takes._

She opens her eyes. At first, her vision is hazy, but when she squints, she sees him. The charm bracelet digs against her skin as she clutches it harder.

“Adrien,” she breathes, “is that you?”

It _has_ to be, she’s not sure how much longer she can keep her eyes open, and if this _isn’t_ Adrien she doesn’t know what…

“Marinette.”

She can hear it.

The laughs and smiles and joy and memories and affection and that _tone, his_ tone of voice he only ever uses for her—

_It’s him._

Marinette feels tears gather in her eyes.

Perhaps the effort was worth it, after all.

_“Adrien,”_ she croaks, _“Adrien.”_

It worked.

He’s _back._

The sentimonster walks towards her, and Marinette holds out her arms. He stops several centimeters in front of her and peers at her affectionately.

“My lady,” he whispers, “I missed you.”

A sob escapes her throat.

_My kitty._

“I missed you, too.”

After months of trying, after months of struggling and living as only one half of a whole…

Her legs buckle beneath her and she falls to her knees, holding the charm bracelet with both hands against her heart. All the memories come pouring back and she can’t help but sob, because he’s _finally_ here and he’s _finally_ in front of her and he _loves_ her—

She beckons him and he comes, and she falls into his embrace, curling her fists against his jacket and burying her face against his chest as her body trembles.

_He’s back._

Her eyelids feel heavy. She can feel Adrien peer down at her with loving eyes, the same way she’s always wanted, the same way she’s always craved, the same way that she’s missed all of these months, and she feels _safe_ as she stays in his arms.

He’s here.

He’ll _stay._

Because Adrien never leaves her side. Chat Noir would never dare abandon her.

_It’s you and me against the world, my lady._

He’ll hold her and he’ll stay, because he loves her.

Marinette’s eyes flutter shut, with his arms around her as she clutches the charm bracelet. Only one thought runs through her mind as she takes in one last shuddering breath before slipping into a peaceful daze.

_Don’t leave me._

* * *

He doesn’t leave her.

Once the hero of Paris; once a loved one to many, once a person everyone looked up to.

Now, Marinette lies still, a fallen star from another lifetime.

He doesn’t leave her.

But she never wakes up.

**Author's Note:**

> I looped [this version](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bOpLs6qfYoI) of Demons by Imagine Dragons while writing this! That's also where the title of the fic comes from :)
> 
> Thank you for reading! <3


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